Thread: anyone else newly married and pregnant and can give some advice

hey its lilbensmom and i was just curious if anyone else is out there that is newly married....

I love my husband and he works so hard and comes home physically tired. I dont bother him much we talk for a few mins he eats takes a shower done out for the night. so you guys are the best thing that has come along. i miss him and try not to demand any attention because of how tired he is. i just wish that when he came home he could make an hour or so for me. he eats in front of the t.v. doesnt eat at the table...this all happened before we were married except for him working at this new job...he got this about a month ago...

on the weekends he has his daughter, he doesnt work 7 days a week and we spend most of his time at his parents(who only live around the corner) for the entire weekend. his father lives in the living room and his mother lives in the kitchen...so his daughter is in between the 2 rooms and bens with dad and im with his mom...i have tried talking to him about this and it bothers me how upset he gets when we talk about it.

there has been no solution to the problem and i miss him so bad and i dont want him to be angry every time i feel neglected...is it the hormones that are making me miss him so bad and im acting crazy or would you miss your husband or significant other if he were gone that much too...

what should i do

Lilbensmom, I don’t know if this is the harmones thing…but for sure the people who happen to be such an important part of your life if they are not able to spend time with you it is definitely tormenting. I do understand it can be difficult with our buy lives but if a little something can make so much of difference



I am married for almost 3 yrs now and for the last 1 yr me and DH have drifted away primarily he was in Maryland and i was still at my job in NYC and when finally I joined him in May ’05 his parents came to live with us for 4 mths. I was really looking forward to their vist but never realized that my dh drifted further. There was so much communication gap between the two of us. We were just not spending time together , to an extent we had no sexual life. I was almost on the verge of depression and then I found this site with so many positive ladies. I just pushed myself with all the encouragement I got to communicate with him as far as possible…………..sometimes just by understanding the other half we ignore ourselves so much that it leads to depression

Hi there!

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I am recently married too, but we had lived together for about 2 years before we actually married. We got PG only a few weeks after our wedding day. We have my 6 yr old daughter who lives with us and I can relate somewhat to what you are going through. My husband and I have had some real ups and downs since we got married, but also before then too. But I have also tried to talk to him about spending more time w/ my daughter. He is working very hard on an addition to our home and he spends all nights and weekends out there. I'm very proud of the work he's doing, but it's taking its toll on his relationship with her. And when his daughter comes to visit, he drops everything and it's all family time. I've told him before how this looks to me and he doesn't think that's how it is. He says that he loves Sierra like his own, but he only gets to see his daughter once a month. Sometimes longer. So I try to understand.

I guess I don't really have any advice. Sorry. But I do feel for your situation. I also feel like my DH is more intersted in TV than his family sometimes. But what can we do? I knew this about him before I married him. So I kinda feel like this is my life now...I chose it so I must accept it. Don't get me wrong. I'm happy most of the time, but there are times when I wonder what I'm doing...where I"m going etc... It's just human nature to some I guess. I'm very happy to be pregnant and now that my hormones have settled some I am much happier. We've also had other job stress hanging over us until recently so that has helped also. If you ever want to chat....just let me know. I can relate a lot to what you're going through!

Take care

Thank you so much for that. I know im not alone out here. I know what you mean by choosing and accepting it...been and i have been together 18mths and married a little over 2mths...

The beginning part of this year my best friend sent me a plane ticket to va. this was back in febuary. I was gone for 4 days and when i came home that night at 11 he was standing there waiting for me with his cute little grin and some flowers with a note attached. He proposed i accepted and then he told his parents and i did the same. we picked a date and went for our marriage license and this was all in 2 weeks. My mom and dads best friend is a jp and my sister had a big enough living room we were just going to have immediate family and that was it. It was what we wanted ...my mom ordered the wedding cake and lined up Andrea(jp) everything was ready...but his parents...well that was a different story....to make a long story short we didnt get married then...may 9th i found out i was pregnant....told his parents a week later i told my mom that night....it had been 13 years since the last time i was pregnant i was damn excited.and scared....ok so then it was okay to get married by his parents...they threw the wedding, bought our wedding bands and paid for all the food. It was her party and she said that to me as a matter of fact ...and the wedding photos all done on his brothers camara downloaded on her pc.....i have been trying to get a copy for 2mths ....thank you notes my printer is crap so i cant print these out...have paid for the paper and the ink and do you think she has printed them yet....i will i will...2mths to thank people for coming to the wedding and their gratuity.

so im feeling like all of this is a big bad dream...it gets worse....we loose the motor to the car 2 weeks ago.....radiator fluid in the oil.....ok so his father says 1100 to get fixed we had 300....said no problem we could work something out...baby is on the way i keep thinking.....auto place calls....frame is cracked on the car as well...sounds like a great big piece of it wasnt chevy lumina nice car just a 97...this is bens dads company car...k...says not worth putting money into to it so discuss what can afford for monthly payments and we will all go find a family car....with another one coming...ok so i figure...its 600 amonth for newborn day care here 150 a week....then about 40 to 50 a week in formula if kid doesnt take the boob....then diapers...doc appts...blah blah ok so lots of money...im thinking we can do about 128 a mnth...my mom has an 03 jeep cherokee le for that amount per month new we can handle that....noooooppppeeee...
father not going to help unless its a toyota corolla 05 the one he found....15,700 and about 250 amonth....horrible horrible no way cant do it...there are other vehicles out there remember lilben is coming soon...nope couldnt get either one of them to budge both set on it....i wash my hands of it....so that is one of the reasons why he is working so many extra hours...

i told him last night it was too bad that it took a car payment to get you motivated and working that hard....but you didnt work for 5 mnths while i was working about 18 hours a week due to syndrome and not able to afford and going to food cupboard for a while for help....there wasnt a whole lot of work but he wasnt even looking...i found the job in the paper he has now and i told him to call or i was outta here..couldnt do it anymore....
anyway...car payment to get motivated but couldnt look for work when found out i was pregnant....he wanted to make sure i got through my first trimester ok....agh!!!!


here is the thing i love him so much and there is a 4 yr age gap him being younger....and that should have nothing to do with it...but his parents seem to make him dependent on them...we could have gotten a car our selves that was affordable.....

so the stress is there i minimize it and am doing it a whole lot better by being able to get some of this off my chest....and by wishing others encouragement and advice if i can or tell stories about his daughter because she is cute....thanks for the ear.....what should i do i try to make the bed...and when i go to sleep in it i feel like im waking up on the wrong side of the bed.

Wow!! Sounds like as whole lot on you!! Caught between the parents and all. I'm sure it doesn't help having them right around the corner. It may be a blessing and a curse. I'm glad your DH is working now though, I know you feel like you don't see him much, but at least he's putting in the hours. My DH works overtime a lot on his job, when they call and we always welcome the extra $$. Of course it's never enough. He pays $500 per month in child support every month, even when we have her for a month at a time in the summer and pay all her day care! That takes a huge chunk out of our budget along w/ all the debt he incurred in his divorce. We still have 2 years to pay that off. It's such a struggle for me to have to pay off her debt...but again, I remind myself that I chose this and we are in it together. Most of the time it's enough to keep me happy.

I wish I could tell you how to be happy in all of this. I'm glad you seem to be fond of his daughter. You are the step mom. I have many other issues that would take up way too much time to go into where that is concerned in my life. Maybe another day! If you can be open with your DH about it, let him know how important it is to you to understand how you feel. Age shouldn't make a difference, but maybe it's something underlying that harbors some of these feelings. Maybe it doesn't make a difference on the surface you know?

I keep trying to write here and get interrupted. Dang job! But I feel for you. $$ is such a huge factor in most relationships. It's very present in mine. But we also have to remember the rest of it. The stresses of life usually end up coming to a head w/ the ones closest to you. I know I probably take most of it out on my DH and even my daughter sometimes. It works both ways in that respect. But we all love each other...no matter how we show it.

Well...better get back to work for a bit!

thanks kari your right we all knew what we are getting into when we say i do.... i guess i worry more now that we have taken on a different role in our relationship and now going to have full time parenthood with one child and hopefully his daughter will we be with us all the time at some point. his daughter and i have a whole morning and part of the afternoon together and then he has her til she goes home....we do all kinds of activites and she has helped me transform into a different role as well...what im trying to say is that i look forward to the weekends that she is her i cant wait because i want the activity it is so boring all day by yourself with just a t.v cat, and computer. which if it werent for the service plan i have i wouldnt be online. i am however grateful for this forum and all the advice...thanks again talk again soon

Yeah...you're right. We do tend to stress on it more and it's so nice to have an outlet. Like this place. I love my DH so much and my little girl is everything to me. My stepdaughter completes us when she is there, but sometimes I tend to dwell on the "little things". But it is really nice to have people to share that with and I've made some great friends here for that reason.

I hope you find the same!! I'll chat at you soon!

Hello Everyone ,

I'm newely wed also but we are still TTC. AF came yesterday after being two weeks late, and that kinda crushed us, but I guess since we've only been together for a month it's not THAT bad. I guess I can understand what everyone is going through, everyone knows how the dynamics of many relationships go. But as far as the husband's actions goes, I think it depends a lot on how they were raised and social environment. Of course other things play into it as well, like how many hours at work and stress. When I first got married I knew my hubby was going through a lot of stress because of a few changes at work and I could see he was constantly thinking about a million things at once. But that only lasted about a week and a half after our wedding as he settled in to the new changes-plus we were both stressed because we were just married for the first time and this was the first time we were together. We hadn't even been alone together until after our wedding, so the shock of a new person and trying to get to know this person was big.

My hubby works long hours but he always calls throughout the day or sends text messages saying "I miss you", or "I love you". We are constantly telling each other we love each other, and we are perhaps overly affectionate. But the reason for this is because even before we were married we told each other (and ourselves) we never wanted to be stuck in a loveless monotunous marriage where the hubby gets home and sits in front of the tv and does a few things and goes to bed. Since we were never involved in a relationship with each other before the wedding and it was our first wedding (plus we both had great fears of marrige in the past), we had decided that there was only going to be ONE marriage for us, and if keeping the marriage together meant us both being MUSH balls with each other then so be it . I think perhaps it helps if there is something else there to keep us spiritually balanced and in check. It could be anything-Yoga, meditation, or religion. The fact that we are both muslim and we pray five times a day it keeps us balanced, each prayer is like a small meditation session, and we always feel renewed and happy afterwards.

I think the thing men sometimes forget (or even women) is to have some spiritual time to balance themselves out after working like crazy and running around trying to make things happen (a lot of people consider the television their "spiritual" time). In the past I had even frequented a buddhist temple to do meditations with a group and even a few buddhist monks. Usually they have the mantras printed out on papers or a booklet and they will announce which one they will do next. You can read it *it normally tells you how many times to repeat it, while everyone does it and once you have it memorized you close your eyes and the vibrations of everyone's voice and yours goes through your body and you begin to drift.

Anything that will make us feel balanced I think is the key. Maybe even some exercise. Perhaps suggesting doing something together to do this may work? I know how difficult it must be since it sounds like there seems to be NO time left for you from you hubby, but you can always try. I hope things get better and everyone remembers why they wanted to get married to their wonderful wife in the first place. Hugs and kisses

Thanks Ladies,

Ahlam you will have a long and lasting marriage because of the efforts you put into it. I think being pregnant and alone and not really having an outlet to vent makes you think about a lot of things and what you are missing out on. What i didnt think about was how he was feeling about all of this til we had a heart to heart. He misses me as i miss him but the situation with his daughter and her living envoirment is conitnually changing and it stresses him out a lot. Then the car issues and much more. We are now in the process of filing a motion for contempt of court for 3 violations within the first year of the ruling. So now this is added stress but big light at the end of the tunnel. So we just need each other more and more faith in us and god we will be fine. i know it....its the pregnancy the marriage the new life the settling down all of that at once for someone who has been single for 31 years and now boom all of sudden family time./....alot of adjusting there too...

good luck on ttc...and ill pray for the two of you

You have a wonderful attitude Ahlam and I think a lot of people could learn from that. I wish you the best in your marriage and have tons of faith that you will have a wonderful relationship.

My DH and I lived together for 2 years before we got married. I think that helped me a lot. When we first moved in with him (me and my daughter) it was VERY hard for me as I had always lived alone and raised my daughter alone. I came to find out that I was very hard headed about how I liked to keep my house and raise my child!! It was difficult for the first year as I adjusted, and I sometimes questioned what I was doing. I thought I'd just be better off alone. But we stuck it out and although we've still hit road bumps along the way, it's become easier for me to accept the differences we have as human beings. But also as parents and friends. I know try to approach it from the angle of commitment. Now that I've learned that this relationship will last, I know we'll get through anything. It's coming to that realization that was the bumpy road for me. Now that I'm carrying our child, I find that I have to again look at it from a commitment angle. And hormones can play mean tricks on your emotions sometimes, but those are mellowing out too. It's a journey we're taking together this time. Last time I was completely without the father (still am for her), which is why I think I became a little hard headed. But time is a testament!