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it doesnt matter if you fail, just dont give up because its to hard
i am writing this to everyone on this forum,
i have been through a pretty hard childhood, and even though i am only seventeen i have been through things which only some people could have nightmares about,
some of these things i cannot even tell you all because of what it does to my mental state, but i will share with you what my father did to me. he told me how i was the remains of my sister in looks, in intellagence and he told me it so often i started to believe it. He also used to say that i was an accident that he wishes i was never born, i couldnt understand how someone who created me, someone that i looked up to could say things so hurtfull so i blamed myself.
he could never look at me the same way that he looked at my sister, i have never seen the pride in his eyes, the pride he has for my sister.
when had just turned 17 i was put on anti depressants, it killed me to think that i had to take a small white tablet to make me happy.
i had no confidence, no self asteem, i hated myself and wished i was dead, my mum and boyfriend were constantly around me because they were frightened that i would end everything, i was never left alone. My mother at one point was stroking my hair to get me to sleep like she used to do when i was 3yrs old, i cried myself to sleep so much i used to wake up in the morning with puffy eyes.i used to persecute myself mentally because i thought i was such a failure.
A few days agoe i went to visit my Grandfathers Grave (fathers Dad)
i dont remember him, but i went to ask him why my father hated me so much, why he never came to see me. i told my sister and she said i was crazy, she said 'how can someone who is six feet under tell you the answers to your Questions' i see her point of veiw but this is what i have come to, i did ask someone six feet under why my father hates me so much. i do believe one day i will understand fully to why he hates me, i know that he resents me because of my mother but i dont believe this is the only reason.
i suppose what i am trying to say is that even though sometimes ive thought of giving up and ending everything, ive always pulled through. the things which i cry myself to sleep about have made my skin thicker, made my emotions stronger.
i never thought i could trust another man or love another man, but i found love and trust in my beautifull boyfriend Rikabi, he has tought me what the true meaning of love is. i used to think that nobody could ever love me, because of the torchturing things my father said to me. But im a fighter, i came off the antidepressants by myself and with my familys help are on the long and slow road to recovery.
my mother wrote me a letter she wrote alot of things but one thing that stuck out in the letter was 'it doesnt matter if you fail, just dont give up because its to hard.'
I NEVER gave up and this is the point i am trying to say to you all, life will bring all kinds of trials but the true trial in life is to learn not to give up.
i wish everybody the best of luck in life and in having a baby.
Whatever happens 'it doesnt matter if you fail, just dont give up because its to hard'
God bless you all always
sofia
xxxxxxx
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Re: it doesnt matter if you fail, just dont give up because its to hard
Melody Marie stillborn 3/23/1981
Re: it doesnt matter if you fail, just dont give up because its to hard
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