Thread: How can I change this?

To anyone out there with step children,

I have two step kids. The boy is 7, and the girl is 6. Elizabeth is crazy about me and calls me mom, she is always so excited on our visitation days to see me. Michael on the other hand I think is a mommas boy. He seems very torn between his mom and new husband and my husband and I. He never calls me mom and stays kinda distant from me. It dosent bother me if he wont call me mom, but it almost seems like his mother puts stuff in his head to keep him distant. She has told the kids before that their father "my husband" doesnt love them, that everytime they get sick it was from the germs that we had, and ect. I dont understand why she would want to hurt her own children. It affects them more than anyone. She is the one that filed for the divorce, and stepped out on their marriage, so why is she so mean? I really wish I could be closer to Michael, but everytime I try he backs away. What do I do?

Mandy

Hi,

Well I don't have step-children but I am a step child!
I was your step son and my brothers were like you step daughter. Let me just say when I got older I was what my dad(step-dad) had done for us. My mom and dad separated when I was in 3rd grade. It was the hardest thing that I have ever had to deal with in my whole life! ok but any ways my mom moved in with her boy friend my now step dad after the divorce and my brothers and me lived with my dad. Becasue my mom had stayed home as a house wife/stay at home mom since I was born. She never worked and had no job skills at that time. My dad what very good at tricking people and tricked her into signing full legal custody to him for the three of us. He only wanted us so he could get welfare! He was on drugs and drank to much. He would fill my head with these horrible things about my mom before she would come get us like she hates you and doesn't love you. Why else would she have left. But really he kicked her out. So then when I was in fifth grade I move in with my mom and her boyfriend he was so cool he took us to cool places all the time and just new how to make me laugh. When I got a bit older I started to hate him for taking my dad away even thought I new that wasn't true. I felt like my mom loved him more then me and he was just in the way of my mom and dad getting back together. My youngest brother at the time would call him dad and it would make me so mad. I felt like he wasn't my dad he can't tell me what to do. And even though he loved us like his own I was not vary nice to him. Then when I became a teenager all hell broke lose! I guess when there is a step parent introduced into an older Childs life it is worse because he/she new what it was like to have his mom and dad together. At this age your step son still has hope that his mom and dad will get back together and you and his step father are the only things standing in the way. Even if everyone else knows it will never happen he will hold onto that hope for along time.
When I was 16 my mom and step dad got pregnant. When they sat us all down to tell us I thought they were going to tell us they were getting a divorce. But it was news about my little brother. I think when Alex my brother came into the world it brought our "new" family closer becasue there was a link now something that connected my two brother and me to our step dad. I have never looked at Alex as just a half brother he is my BROTHER.
I hope you know that one day he(your step son) will see that you are his fathers wife. Maybe you should try doing something that he likes to do just you and him. Hang out. Try to be a friend before a parent because you do have to remember he has a mom. I love my step dad just like he is my dad but the only time I call him dad is when I am asking my baby brother something that has to do with dad. Just becasue I have a dad and even if he isn't the best dad he is still my dad. But just take it slow and he will come around!

Allynjenn,

Thanks for your response. I at one time thought that this was the problem, but I have been in Michaels life since he was in diapers. He has never known any different. He has always remembered two sets of parents. It has just been recent that he is so distant. When he was smaller he used to want to play with me and lay by me and watch movies. I think that once his ex saw her kids getting closer to me is when she started filling their heads with lies. She is a very jealous person and the thought of her kids becoming close to someone other than her bothers her. We have never talked about her in front of the kids, although it is tempting at times. We promised each other that we would never do that in front of the kids and make them feel like they have to choose sides or feel uncomfortable. I understand where you are coming from in your response, but I dont know if that is really the reason for this. Thanks

Mandy

Well thought I would just let know know how I felt as a child. Well maybe it's just his age. Hes a boy maybe even though he doesn't call you mom he just doesn't want :mom" hang around all the time. Maybe your husband can talk to him and maybe he will be more open with his dad? Best luck

It probably seems like a far away thing but eventually he will see that his mom is just being hateful and your not the way she describes you. It is probably jealousy on her part as well. My daughter (nine at the time) HATED my husband right before we got married, to the point that she was refusing to be part of the wedding. Eventually when she realized that he wasn't going anywhere and was not that bad of a person she cooled a bit. Now the two of them gang up against me and are the best of buds! He would have her favorite book or trinket of sort every once in a while which she could not refuse. Not trying to buy her but to show that he knew what interested her.
Best of luck to you!

ccincin,

thanks for your response. You are probably right, but waiting for him to grow up and see her for what she is worth is taking forver it seems like. I love both kids to death like they are my own, and I just dont want him to hate me for the things she says. It kills me! My husband can even see a change in him lately. He too is upset and feels like Michael doesnt want to be here. Before when we picked them up for visitation, Michael would run out all excited to be going to daddy's house, now he is kinda sluggish and dont want to talk as much. We try doing things with him that he likes, but it seems like he loses interest really fast now and all he wants to do is watch tv. My husband is a firm believer that if you are a kid you should play outside when it is nice out, not sit in front of the tv 24/7. But yet that is all the kid wants to do. Everytime we call their moms house to talk to them, they are always watching tv even if it is warm and sunny out. It is like she puts them there so she dont have to deal with them and that is so sad. They should be out playing with some friends!