Thread: My week from hell...

Oh man – why does this keep happening to me!?!?!

Background story – I’ve been having issues with my man for the past couple of months, and we sorted a whole lot of stuff out a while back and I thought everything was ok… (some of you may remember my post at the time)

2 weeks ago we had a long weekend and we had a fantastic time. We spent lots of time together, had some really great talks and everything was great. On the Tuesday following the weekend he had to go to another city for a day for work, so I made sure I had a great dinner planned for him for when he got home that evening (knowing he would have had a hard day), and we ate outside by candlelight – it was lovely. The Wednesday rolled around and he was busy – being that it was a short week, and he’d missed the Tuesday as he’d been away for the day he had lots to do so I left him to it. (he works from home)

Thursday rolled around and we had antenatal class to go to that evening, he was affectionate and attentive all evening until we got home, and then he appeared to shut down entirely. He became cold and distant and wouldn’t touch me or even respond when I tried to give him a hug etc. He worked until 2.30am…

I figured he was stressed cos he had so much on for work, so didn’t worry too much about it, but then Friday arrived and he was no better. He was impatient and condescending to everything I said, and still cold and unemotional, still wouldn’t touch me. We went to a trade show that evening and he said he was feeling a bit tired and uncoordinated, and joked that maybe he was pregnant – I made a comment about “maybe its sexually transmitted” (ha ha) to which I got (very matter of factly) – “you have to have sex to catch things sexually”.

I was dumbstruck! The last time we’d done anything was the weekend before – and due to the week that he had just had, I hadn’t bothered him, and thought that leaving him alone was the best plan of attack!

So I figured I’d talk to him about it on Saturday. He had to drive up to see his parents in the morning, so I thought we’d catch up later in the day. He left at 9.30 and didn’t come home until 5.30, and ignored the one text message I sent him during the day and would make no comment about his day or where he’d been, but he was very sunburned. I was so upset that I didn’t ask any further questions and left him to it.

I then shifted my thinking to “we’ll talk about it on Sunday”. Sunday morning he gets up and goes out again – something about meeting a work associate for brunch. He left at 10.30 and came home again at 5pm. Then we went for a drive up to see a real estate agent so he could put a deposit on a house for his parents, so that’s obviously not a good time to have a discussion, and when we got home there was some game on tv that he just had to watch.

He’s been avoiding me and its driving me mad!!

So I said to him this morning – we need to have a chat later today. And he made some comment about us not being able to move at the moment (we had been looking) to which I said that I’d figured that, being that its so close to xmas etc and that we’d make the best of the situation. He then made a comment about wanting to make sure I had my autonomy and independence and muttered something about finding me somewhere to be…

What the hell does this all mean??????????????????? This is really bad timing, as I’m due very soon, and don’t have the energy or the financial resources to be starting up on my own right now – I go on unpaid parental leave in 6 weeks!!!

Men are stupid.

Karen,
I'm so sorry you two are having trouble again. I cannot even imagine how you're feeling right now. Hopefully it is just pre-baby jitters for him.

Oh Karen, I hope it all works out, I have no idea what is going on through his head, and yes sometimes men can be stupid!!

The only thing you can do, is have a sit down (if you can get him to!) and just ask him outright, what is going through his head and why the sudden change in attitude to everything!?

Try not to be harsh on him or "nagging" (men think anything slightly whiny or questioning or anything is naggy!) that might just make him shut down more.

Wish you all the luck! Worse case scenario, have you got family/friends around incase you need somewhere to stay for the night? It might give him a wake up call!

Its hard to advise when I don't know anything about him or what is going through his head, first try and find that out.

Well i'm hoping he sorts it out!

The thing that really ticks me off is that he’s had PLENTY of opportunity to get out prior to now… this is all completely selfishly motivated, and it just seems that he has no sense of personal responsibility, or any shred of moral fibre left! Its not fair.

AND if this is all about sex then he needs to get over himself.

Another annoying thing is that I got rid of all my house stuff recently! I have nothing but a bookshelf to furnish any new place I might have to move into! I don’t even have a bed!

Its nice to know I’ve got support though. Thank you!

We are having this “conversation” this evening. I’m feeling a bit powerless though as I really have no say in what happens here, again, it seems to be all about him. I know what I want, but I’m not sure he wants the same thing, and that’s just not going to work.
AND he cant be straight up enough with me to give me an honest answer…


See email conversation below:

Me:

Should i be preparing myself for the worst here?

Him:

No such thing as ‘the worst’ – just decisions that lead to ‘new directions’!

J xx

me:

Right so I should take that as a yes?

Him:

Not at all – worst case scenario would be us never wanting to have anything to do with each other + baby being adopted by the Manson family

If we do break up, does he think i'm just going to want to cooperate and pretend everything's ok and that he hasnt hurt me, and just to play happy families while heswans around and lives the bachelor life?

Hi Karen, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this right now. Just wanted to let you know I am here too if you need an ear or a shoulder to lean on. You need to be upfront with him and tell him to be clear on what he wants and stop messing you around!! Hopefully he will sort himself out by tonight and everything will work out. If it doesn't as Tania said friends/family will help to support you through as well as your family here at BTZ! My thoughts are with you tonight. Take care of yourself.

Hi Karen!! Just running through the forums and found your post!! I'm soooo sorry!! Men are so hard to deal with sometimes. It could be he is having jitters or "cold feet" and is not handling it well. Obviously he's not being up front with you about the real issues. I tell you, you have a lot of heart to keep putting up with it, it's hard when we care about someone and want to believe the best in them even when they keep treating us like dirt. I finally had to ask my daughters father to leave because he kept berating me all the time for wanting to NOT have an abortion!! Needless to say he's nowhere in our lives.

I don't have any advice for you as this is your battle and you will do what is best for you and baby and hopefully he will pull his head out very soon. I just want to offer you my support at this time. This is a BAD time for him to be breaking down on you. This is why God had women carry the child....because men just aren't strong enough!!!!!

Sorry...I have issues w/ my DH sometimes too. Don't mean to rant...I know not all men are like this, but unfortunately some are. And unfortunately (or fortunately at times) we love them and will do what we can to continue to be with them. It's a cruel joke by God I tell you!!

Anyhow Karen....best of luck. I"m here too if you ever need to vent or anything. I just want you to know you have lots of friends here to help you through this.

Thanks guys,

We had a huge talk the other night, and when we went to bed, it looked as though it really was all over. I got up at about 4 am to get a glass of water and had a meltdown in the kitchen! He got up and we talked some more and have agreed that its something worth fixing...

i think he's having a bit of a personal crisis cos this is all real for him now and he's not sure how he'll cope with such a major life change... He was telling me how wonderful i am and how much he loves me, and how much he wanted to do this together, but in the same breath would say that it wasnt working for him and he wasnt getting what he wanted... so that leads me to beleive that he actually doesnt know what he wants.... men are dumb!

So i guess we'll see how it all goes over the next little while... im hoping that we can sort it out as i do love him and i do want to have a family with him, but i'm not going to compromise myself for him, so we'll take it as it comes...

thanks again for your support...

That's great Karen. I know it can be an emotional roller coaster for men too, and I think sometimes we may not realize it. I have problems with my DH too sometimes and it's very frustrating. But as long as you have enough pride to walk away if you need too, but the strength to fight for what you love, you are going to be just fine. And I know you will....

Keep us posted OK?

Will do thanks Kari...

Karen i dont know what to say , you are a hell of a lot stronger than i am , and your pregnant on top of that.I come from Ngongotaha in Rotorua (roto lake) im living in sydney at the moment.Men can be so damn stupid sometimes and its us women who cop the brunt of it.I hope that this doesnt stress you and the baby out too much.Your baby deserves to have a loving environment to be born into and i know that you will do all you can to provide that.I am here if you ever need to vent.Really! i dont want ya to think im just saying it to be nice! LOL im here OK !!!!!
Well hope all goes well and god bless
Much love Jess